I wanted to post something here and elsewhere for my 40th birthday because to me - it is a milestone. I know 40 years is not that long in the grand scheme of zooming out - but a lot has happened within 40 years and I want to ultimately celebrate still being alive and awake to experience the here and now.
It is funny because 30 years old didn’t feel like aging (even though I joked about it) – but 40 does. 40 is the age I start remembering my mother when I was a child. I remember not thinking she was old because my grandmother was old but my mom was certainly older than me. So perhaps that is what I am now is just: older.
Okay, semantics out of that way.
Being older means grieving my youth to a certain degree. I realize now there are experiences I will most likely never have again and in the early hours of the morning I sometimes fantasize about the feelings that came with those experiences. In the mirror, I say goodbye a little every day to my youth. No one told me aging feels so much like disappearing (a post for another time).
I know now that Youth is absolutely wasted on the Youth because there is no way to know how valuable something like time is if it is unlimited in the mind. And the closer I get to the end; the more I realize time is really the “Big Spend”.
With that said, I feel as though time is not only the “Big Spend” but now also the “Big Ask”. Asking others for their time and presence becomes a larger sacrifice as we age. It feels like we might as well as for money because it often takes less energy and resources to give it. “I don’t have time but I have a savings account now.” No, that sentiment feels a little too middle-aged.
For my birthday this year, I want time and I want to give my time. Time and fellowship with others are rarely wasted. It is medicine and I believe will become increasingly critical to my survival the older to then old I become. So if you have it to spare, please let us spend time together this year or soon. Whenever really but soon - a text, phone call, facetime, brunch, beers, long weekends, or whole weeks: I have it to give. I say I will do my best to reach out - maybe not all at once. These things take time, but accountability would be nice since I am the queen of saying I will do something and I never do it (THE QUEEN!).
On another note, I’ve met so many freaking cool people in my life. People I sat next to in grade school, my own family, people in my mom’s churches, people in treatment (perhaps the coolest), people in college (also the coolest), the internet (extremely cool), retail (ice cold), and beyond. There are tears in my eyes now as I think about you folks. It is like a beautiful library filled with novels, poems, long-form essays, and anecdotes of relationships and moments. I am not a collector by nature but I suppose that is how it ends up sometimes.
To end this self-indulgent opus, I’ll share a playlist I created of 40 songs each from a year I’ve been alive in order to now. If you know me, you know I live laugh love playlists/mix CDs/sharing music so this one is for you and me.
And here is to 40 damn more years and hopefully an early retirement. Hope it doesn’t go by too fast because overall I am enjoying the ride, the people, and the soundtrack.💌
i love you and this, happy birthday