“Time without courage
And time without fear
Is just wasted, wasted
Wasted time.”
— “Time” by Hootie & the Blowfish
Today it is currently 85 degrees Fahrenheit in central Ohio. Not quite autumn, summer. Tomorrow the high will be 67. Autumn comes in, it never asks.
I do love The Fall™ like most white midwestern women. I think I mostly enjoy it due to the fact I can wear a hoodie and shorts together as a perfect outfit. The security of a solid black hoodie with a free knee is tough to beat in terms of comfort. The same goes for sandals - I can’t stand socks around my ankles. Free all the body parts as far as I am concerned.
This summer I spent a lot of time with friends. Around March of last year, I was experiencing the feeling of disconnection from people I loved and groups outside of Austin, and co-workers who were forced to interact with me on a daily basis. I even made it a goal this year to gain one new friend. And while I haven't completed that mission just yet - I have reconnected with someone from my past. We grew apart and it was probably due to some of my behavior. Less drama in my life is certainly leaving room for me to repent some of that past and find joy in other people outside of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. I am taking steps to reach out and be a consistent person because I have not always been that way.
I also set a goal to ride my bicycle more consistently the older you get, the more you realize doing things over and over is really just the key to everything.) I’ve done almost 100 miles so far this year which is probably 500 percent more than I did last year. I also want to get a full 26-mile ride in before EOY which is the longest I’ve gone in swoop on my single-speed bicycle. It is not a comfortable ride as you might guess so I’ve planned to purchase a true road bike next year when my bonus hits. I hope to make it a bigger hobby but we will see. My thought is if you don’t have kids - you develop serious hobbies to fill the time that would probably best be used on children. It is a working theory…
At the end of last month, I took a trip to the “PNW” to live out my Tumblr dreams circa 2014. But actually, my mother was going on a cruise to Alaska out of Seattle and planned to visit Olympic National Park before she departed. She invited me and my cousin, Christine. I looked forward to this trip the whole year - I love going places I’ve never been. They don’t exist until I stand in from of them but during my escape I found myself needing an escape. So I needed an escape from my escape - probably a huge metaphor for my whole life.
My cousin snored forcing me to sleep on the bathroom floor one night to try and find some silence. My mother also snores and we were in a lofted building so I was just kinda fucked on top of the time change. Maybe this is why coffee is extremely strong and good in this part of the world. For folks like me that travel with somnolent family members.
Family is tough though. I don’t know anyone who allowed the people who brought them into the world or gave them the opportunity to know what family looked like. It is interesting as an adult to interact with your parents. I can see clearly as day now why I had the struggles I did growing up (serious eating disorder; perfectionist tendencies; extremely independent). My mother still makes extremely negative comments about her body right in front of me. She continues to diet even though she is 72 years old and is in good health. She has been on a diet her whole life whether on purpose or not and has never tried to find peace. If I had to name one thing that influenced the way I viewed myself when I was young it would have been my mother’s attitude towards her own body. When I try and share things about my life with her she seems almost unable to be interested in it. Upon reflection, her seeming disinterest is just her not hearing anything related to me needing her. My life is chaos-free-ish and she needs to be needed.
All this I think is just part of maturing I am sure. I heard someone say your 30s are like a second puberty and I felt that. I know I have my toxic shit and habits I am unwilling to change or let go of. I don’t know if I will ever be at peace with my body either but I refuse to share it with the rest of the world. They don’t need it.
I am trying to do better at keeping my word to myself and certainly to others. I write a lot of words and always say I am going to do something incredible with my life and just don’t. What is what about? Probably fear (see Hootie & The Blowfish lyrics listed at the beginning.)
Anyway, I think that is enough sharing for now. I’ll leave you with some photos from my trip to Washington State and a song in heavy rotation.